So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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