Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
