Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
