I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Your penis caused this!
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