i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Verdict: uncircumcised.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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