Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
