Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
