ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We need to get me chipped asap
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
