I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
