dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
