My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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