Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
