We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
