Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
