It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
