Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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