OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
