She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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