It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
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