I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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