Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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