hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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