She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
