Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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