Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
