Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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