On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i drank out of a bidet.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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