I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We are all done wearing pants today
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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