Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize