I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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