Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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