I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
