life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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