I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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