The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
