I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
