I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
