The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
