Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i think my cat just said my name.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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