So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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