I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
