We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
