glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
