Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize