I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
