evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
