he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
