my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize