mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
