Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
