It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
