she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
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