That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
