fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize