Nicole vs. Life
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
