Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
