The maid of honor just puked.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
