Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Drake has all the answers
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize